Friday, 4 November 2011


Last time on 'An Attempt to Write Honestly'.....(I can't tell you how much I loved writing that) 

Now, let's not beat around the bush. In the last post I paused at the drastic moment when all seemed lost. Remember, this is what it looked like....
I didn't hear the door knocking when Joshua came back. Actually, thinking about it, I don't even remember the time he showed up. He was just there one moment. I was too angry to even speak to him to begin with. Even after I noticed he was there, I pretended I hadn't seen him. I sat still, silent. And he sat with me and didn't say a word. I didn't have a knotted stomach that day, or a quickened pulse. I was miserable and decided to be that way for as long as possible. I deserved it. I had put all my efforts into this not happening and now I didn't even have a roof over my head. Where does hard work get you? Nowhere. So why bother? 

One night, after many miserable, sleepless ones, I remember waking up from a half sleep. I wasn't on the cold ground of my roofless house anymore, I was being carried. Strong arms had lifted me out of the rubble and were wrapped securely around my weak body. 
You can imagine, dear reader, when you stay still in one place for a long time, you can tend to forget anything else that was or is. You even forget what was surrounding you as you actually become part of the surroundings, blending so well into the background that you don't look like a somebody anymore but more of a thing, and in time your body believes it too. And if you believe something enough, it's all you really need to become something, especially when you don't want to become anything. So as I was lifted up, I didn't struggle, there wasn't much left to struggle for.  I faded in and out of sleep and I really can't tell you where I was. It was so dark and I was so very, very tired and I was concentrating on not much else. After a while, I could see that it was Joshua carrying me. I think I secretly knew that from the moment I was picked off the ground as I hadn't been scared that I couldn't see who was carrying me and he hadn't left me since he'd shown up, so it made sense really. 
Now I feel I must quickly interject as I know in the last post I mentioned how Joshua never made me do anything that I didn't agree to and obviously I don't want to riddle you with inconsistencies in my story, and use his (fake) name in vain, and I believe it's good to be thorough! So yes, he never forces me into something I don't want to do. But, I can honestly say, he is the dearest and closest friend I have ever known (much, much dearer and closer than you, dear reader), and when your friends know you as well as Joshua knows me, they really know what's best for you, especially when you don't know what's best for yourself. And I'll be honest with you, I didn't know what I wanted at that point. Would it have been wise for him to leave me to stay in that derelict room? In this situation, dear reader, don't you think it was for the best that he picked me up? I don't think I will ever wish that he hadn't. 
He carried me all through the night but, like I said, I don't remember most of it. Thinking back to it though, I'm stunned by his strength. There was a moment, shortly before dawn, when I wanted to get down and I started to struggle, trying to kick and wriggle myself free (it doesn't please me to tell you how childishly I behaved here, reader, but I feel it is important to show you the persistence of Joshua's nature. I'd really like for you to get to know him, he is very good). This resistance shortly ended as he let me down. I was ready to clear off in the opposite direction, but how could I? Considering I had no idea where I was, why would I run off? I needed him as my guide. I did ask him where we were going (not too politely I might add). But he didn't answer, he kept his eyes forward and walked on steadily. Oh how the tables had turned! I didn't want go to this unknown location he was set on reaching, but there I was stuck by his side! I begrudgingly walked alongside him, with my heavy attitude still in tact (I remember deciding that because it was dark and I couldn't see much further than a few feet in front, to physically pout in disgust. Yes, dear reader, I pouted like a spoilt, silly little girl). After a time, things started to take shape. We were walking through, what I can only really describe to you as, a wilderness. I couldn't see where we had come from, or where we were going. There were dead trees everywhere, many times so close we had to squeeze through them, and it was impossible to see any path. I was convinced he had no idea where we were going, how could he tell? But he stared straight ahead, focused and calm. 
I'd like to point out that until that night, I hadn't ventured much outside my Life. You see, my house is found in a specific zone. Maybe yours is there too? It's called the Comfort Zone. It's very similar to what our houses and streets look like today. Where everything is mapped out and you know exactly where you are going and how to get back to where you're from. It's convenient and you don't get lost. And all the trees there are leafy and green and well trimmed. It's a very popular place and everyone is friendly and civilized so there are plenty of people to help you, if indeed, you do get lost and need directions. This wilderness was definitely not in the Comfort Zone. I'm pretty certain I would have never found myself in it if Joshua hadn't carried me out there. I'd advise you, dear reader, not to go unless you have a very reliable and confident guide who knows exactly where he wants to take you. This is what Joshua was that night, although at the time I thought he was just retaliating in his own annoying, difficult way. If we had been in competition that night, I think it's safe to say he would take the trophy. 
As we carried on through what seemed like an endless, not to mention pointless, barren land my frustration gave way to exhaustion. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was to ask him to carry me again, but I was too stubborn. My exhaustion gave way to tears and eventually sobs. Dear reader, have you ever heard of the term 'breaking point'? Now please don't mistake me, I wasn't upset anymore about the roof caving in. I was upset because I had thought that Joshua had left me on my own, to be crushed under my ridiculous fallen ceiling of good intentions and blindness. I was cross at my stupidity and lack of respect for my dear friend's advice. I could have saved the roof from caving in if I had done what he had asked me to. He seemed to know exactly what I needed as he reached out and let me take his hand. He took off his coat, wiped my nose on the sleeve and put it over my shoulders, came alongside me and picked me back up. He whispered gently, told me things of great comfort and peace. He brought me up a hill and lifted me down onto a clearing. The sun had not quite risen, but dawn was breaking, we both looked down and from there I could see my Life. It didn't seem so broken and useless anymore. It actually seemed quite beautiful.
"Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon,
bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession?"
Song of Songs 6:10

Since that night, he has never spoken to me about the ceiling. He doesn't remind me of what I did or gloat over how he came to my rescue and saved the day. I understand now, why he says what he does. It's not because he wants his own way, it is because it is the right way. Afterward, we walked back to the house, (the trip back didn't seem to take nearly half as long as getting there, I'm quite convinced he took me the long way around!) and started to clear the rubble. 
As you can now see, dear friend (I think we're onto friend status now), the ceiling was eventually restored. I found those people Joshua recommended, they have helped me a great deal and I have shared with them many plans for how to make this home more strong and secure. Joshua visited a lot more than usual during that time. He spoke to me constantly about what I should start building for the future and I now make sure to write down everything he says so I know where to look when I start any work! Even though we don't really speak of that walk in the dark very often, it's brought us closer together and it defines this room now and so much more of my Life. Now really, would you honestly have wanted me to show you in and pointed out the colour scheme and the furniture I got on sale? You may have got round the house in a tenth of the time it's taken for you to listen to my story, but would I have been calling you friend once we'd finished?
I'm hoping, my friend, before you go that you might follow me down the path.
As I take you away from the house, do you remember how you first looked in? Through that little blog window? It seems tiny and incomparable now with what I invited you to see doesn't it? A tiny frame that only holds a small section of a much grander design. The reason I've brought you this way is that I'd like to give you a view of the property, as a whole. Don't worry, I found a way shorter than through the wilderness in the story. Yes, you're right, we do have to travel much further back to fit the entire premises into your peripheral view. Watch your step, sometimes you can only manage to get so far, you can tend to get lost or find it gets too dark to keep walking out and you turn back before you realize it. But I promise you, when we get to the right spot, there's no view quite like it...You see, when you look at it from here, it holds much more magnificence. I make sure I come to this same spot, at least once every day. It is so much more pleasant and beautiful to look at from this height and reminds me why I ended up here in the first place. There really is no other place I'd rather be.  
Sidenote: If you liked the wilderness story, read Hosea 2! In fact, read it all! It's a fantastic story by itself.

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